my baby has a virus

My baby has a virus.  It has manifested as a horrible, horrible rash - so bad that I don't even want to post pictures of it.  It's almost confluent on his arms and legs and speckled over his trunk, neck, face, hands, feet, palms and soles. Gone is my pretty baby boy and in his place is this poor, bumpy little guy, a topographical map of virus.

I can be thankful that he doesn't have a fever and that he acts fine.  It doesn't seem to itch him much and he's still smiley and kicky and playful.  I had a GI virus over the past few days and he may have had it also.  I don't know if that virus caused this reaction in him; I know that babies manifest viruses differently than adults.

I took him to the doctor and he didn't think it was Coxsackievirus, the virus that causes hand, foot and mouth disease.  He has no lesions in his mouth like he might with Adenovirus.  It doesn't look like any of the herpetic viruses.  But there are many viruses that could cause a rash in babies, and since he's acting normal I shouldn't worry, but I do.

He's so little; I hate that he has this.  I was almost in tears changing his diaper; I shudder to think how I'll be when he's really sick!

update and can't think of a witty title...

I didn't expect to go skipping back to work with barely a wave and a, "Bye Ted!"  I kind of figured it wouldn't be easy.  I didn't think it would be so difficult.  For three months Teddy and I lived in each other's pockets.  For three months I was rarely away from him.  For three months I looked forward to bedtime because he cried for several hours every evening.  Now I miss him when I put him to bed.  I get sad thinking that I'll only see him for a few minutes in the morning when I drop him off and I have to wait nine more hours to see him again.  One morning I knew Ed was going to do the drop off because I wanted to get to work early as I knew it would be a long day.  I cried the night before after I put him to bed because I wouldn't see him again until the next day after work.

I've come to the decision that I need to be home with Ted more.  Initially, I asked if I could go part-time at my current job, which would be the best of the scenarios.  My supervisor said that if the economic "climate" wasn't where it was, he would be glad to work with me, but if he lets a full-time position go to part-time he's afraid he'll never get another full-time position approved.  Which is understandable, so I put in my notice.  I figured I'd go home for a few months then look for a job in Greensboro, preferably part-time.  As the end of my three week notice approached (December 7th is my final day), I thought that perhaps he could use me PRN or as needed.  So I floated that by him and he seemed much more positive about that.  It still has to be justified and approved, but hopefully this will be a viable option, especially since there is a PRN position swilling around in our budget that hasn't been filled since the person that held that position went full time.  I'm trained and ready so... it seems to make sense.  It probably won't be regular hours, but hopefully it'll work out.

I'm happy that I'll be home with the baby more.  As good as our childcare situation has been, it just feels wrong to hand him off to someone else for 2/3 of his waking hours (approximately).

One of my posts was recently published on Scary Mommy and a few of the comments made me want to respond, but I didn't want to get into an argument with a faceless opponent on the other side of the ether(net).  I would like to comment here though, because if I can't do it in my own blog, where can I?

 Nicole says:  "I know it’s crazy, but some of us go back to work because we love our jobs and need that outlet. But way to make it sound like every single employed woman who also has a child is just doing it because she can’t afford to stay home."  

Nicole: I'm not writing on behalf of all women, everywhere and trying to impose my feelings, experiences or beliefs on anyone.  This is my view, from my experiences, written with a heavy dose of sarcasm for a site that quotes, "Scary Mommy is intended for people who have a sense of humor, an appreciation for sarcasm and wear panties that do not easily get in a wad."  I do understand that some people love their job and can't wait to get back.  I just happen not to be one of those people.  Don't get me wrong, I love aspects of my job, but it is a job for me, not a passion.  In other words, jump down from your high horse and get it together,  mmkay?

hi ho, hi ho it's back to ... ah whatever.

I'm heading back to work on Monday and I have extremely mixed feelings about it.  On one hand I know Ted is in great hands and won't be going to day care to bring Spanish flu, Ebola, TB or hand/foot/mouth back to our family.  On the other hand I'm going to miss a lot of his life by being at work.  The hard part is knowing that I have a 33% chance of missing his new "firsts." (If they happen Monday - Friday).  He will be rolling over, sitting up, crawling and I might not be there to see it.

However, my pregnancy was expensive, not to mention labor and delivery and Ted's bills.  I'll be paying those off for a little while and it wouldn't be possible to do it on one salary.  Health insurance is also a HUGE factor because Ed's work does not provide affordable health insurance (seriously?  $1,000/mo? For shame.)

Although, maybe when I go back to work I'll stop looking at ridiculous things on the internet while Teddy's sleeping.  Like that Ukrainian Barbie doll who lives on light and air.  I found myself scrolling through picture after picture of her and her creepy family and realized that I needed to find much more enriching things to read off the internet.  Like satirical parenting blogs - those are my favorite.

I'm going to buy a lottery scratch off and if I win a lot of money I'm definitely not going back to work!  (Although I might be a nice employee and go back for my two weeks notice.)  I think of it as being my sign that I shouldn't go back.  Ed thinks I'm insane.

who wouldn't want to stay with this guy?

it's all political (except for this post)

It's been a little over two years since we started trying for a baby.  I am blessed beyond belief to have Teddy.  If any of those previous three pregnancies had worked, he wouldn't be here.  I know this.  I read a post recently where the woman who'd had two miscarriages dealt with it by picturing each of those pregnancies as her living son.  (She'd had the miscarriages prior to his birth).  He wanted to be in the family so bad that he had to wait until conditions were perfect, but he kept on trying.

I wanted to point out, however, that people dealing with pregnancy loss are incredibly sensitive, especially to images that might be circulating the internet.  Even now, I don't like to see them.  I'm sure you've all seen it, or one like it.  A picture of a fetus, aborted at 12 weeks or 10 weeks or 8 weeks.  Or, God forbid, 20 weeks.  We don't need a visual to picture what we've lost.  I know the people reposting these pictures aren't anti-miscarriage.  I know it's political, or religious.  I just wanted to point out that those pictures can be very upsetting for people dealing with pregnancy loss.  That's all I wanted to say about that.

2 months old!

I can't believe that Ted is already two months old!  In lieu of a formal 60 day evaluation (frankly, who has time for that?), I'll just let you know how he's doing.  He's eating well - up to 5 ounces at a time.  He's sleeping through the night from around 9 or 10pm until 6am when he takes a bottle and then goes back to sleep for a few more hours.    He's been smiling while awake for a few weeks now, which more than makes up for the fussy evenings.  He likes when I sing songs to him with a particular affinity for "Old Macdonald."

We went to the beach for his first vacation.  He wasn't too enamored with the beach, at least when he was awake.  He screamed when his toes got wet in the ocean and then again when we got splashed by a wave.  He slept in his little beach tent for a while, lulled by the sound of the wind and waves.  He did, however, enjoy his first shower when we used the outdoor shower at the beach house to rinse off the sand and salt.

In the beginning, when Ted was first born, I think I was so overwhelmed with the fact that I was responsible for this tiny human that I never fully realized how much I love him.  Now that we've settled into a bit of routine and we understand each other for the most part, I'm blown away by how much I do love him.  He's so sweet; his smiles are so rewarding and I can't wait to see what he learns next!

the six stages of maternity leave

Though maternity leave in this country leaves something to be desired as compared to nearly every other country in the developed world, for a working pregnant woman, the thought of twelve weeks off is like imagining that color has a sound - provided you can afford the unpaid leave.  Twelve.  Weeks.  Off.  As I near the end of my maternity leave, I realize that there are certain stages that you go through during those three months off with a newborn baby.

1.) Bliss:  If, like me, you take a few days or a week off before the baby is born in order to tie up loose ends and get everything ready, those days are utter bliss.  There's also anticipation and not a little stress, but the overall feeling is one of complete bliss.  Twelve.  Weeks.  No work for twelve weeks.

2.) Exhaustion: Labor heralds the age of exhaustion.  Once upon a time there was a nursery at the hospital that they took newborn babies to in order to allow the mother rest and recovery from the grueling hours (or days) of laboring.  A magical place where babies were cared for and brought to their mothers only at feeding times or upon request.  Now in order to facilitate bonding and breastfeeding, there are no nurseries and babies bed down in the room with their mothers, meaning that after 33+ hours of wakeful labor, the sleepless nights of newborn care starts with immediate effect.  Then you go home.  And it doesn't stop.

3.) Anxiety: If, like me, you were lucky enough to have your partner stay home with you and the new baby for a week or two, and the time comes for him to return to work, the overarching feeling is one of anxiety.  What will you do all day with this tiny baby?  How can you handle the feedings and naps and worries and floppy-headedness (dear God, the floppy head) of this helpless creature?  I felt that the days were too long and the time between waking up and going to bed was interminable.

4.) Routine: You start to get the hang of this.  You and baby form a routine based around his eating and sleeping habits - which, while they may not actually be routine or scheduled, you've at least figured out how much of each he needs.  The days don't seem so long.  Your baby doesn't seem as fragile.  You take him out of the house.  By yourself.  He starts to smile.  Five minutes of smiley baby makes up for the four hours you spent bounce-walking around the house trying to get him to stop crying.

5.) Bargaining:  You start to think, maybe you could stay home with this kid.  Maybe it would be nice.  You start to worry about how much of his life you'll miss while at work.  You start crunching numbers and think maybe you could make it on one salary.  Or maybe you could work part time!  If you gave up satellite television and possibly internet, stopped eating out and buying books, experimented with alternative fuel sources for your car...

6.) Resignation: You realize that, at least for now, you need two incomes.  You have debts.  Labor and delivery was expensive.  You don't want them to repo your baby.  You'll have to return to work at the end of twelve weeks.

baby test: find out if you're ready!

When the fine folks at Women's Hospital let me leave with this brand new, helpless newborn I couldn't help but think they'd lost their minds.  I had no idea what to do with him.  It seems to me that they should make you take a test (both written and practical) before they let you take your baby home.  I wonder what that test would look like:

Part I:  Written  (Multiple Choice)

1.)  Your baby is crying.  You've already fed and burped him.  What might you try next?
       a. Change him.
       b. He must be bored.  Give him a Nintendo DS.
       c. Make him some hot tea.  Tea is soothing.

2.)  What should you feed your newborn baby?
       a. Breast milk or approved infant formula.
       b. Surf and turf
       c. They make baby food, right?  I've seen it in jars.

3.)  How many times a day should you feed your baby?
       a. On demand.
       b. Three square meals a day.
       c. Every hour.

4.)  How should you bring your newborn baby home?
       a. In an approved infant car seat, mounted properly in car.
       b. In your arms, so long as you wear your seat belt.
       c. That's what a luggage rack is for, right?

5.)  How should you entertain your newborn baby?
       a. Sing songs, make faces, use age appropriate toys, etc.
       b. Take him bowling.
       c. If he's bored, give him a Nintendo DS.

Part II: Practical

Demonstrate in under five minutes how to change a meconium filled diaper.  Points deducted for insufficient wiping, getting yourself peed on, and improper placement of the diaper.

Answer Key:
If you answered mostly a's, congratulations!  You're ready to bring your newborn baby home!  If you answered mostly b's and c's, sorry.  You cannot take your baby home.  You may never be ready to have a child and they may come and take away your pets as well.

it still wasn't easy

When I found myself pregnant after our third miscarriage, I went into it fully expecting a fourth miscarriage.  We’d had all the testing done and everything was normal.  There was no obvious medical reason I kept miscarrying.  However, I never for a second thought that this pregnancy would work.  Imagine my surprise when it did.

It wasn’t an easy pregnancy.  Not because of the hyperemesis, a possible hiatal hernia, gestational diabetes and shingles.  Not because I was a walking Physician’s Desk Reference of symptoms and ailments.  Not because of all the appointments, ultrasounds, NST’s that go with having a high risk pregnancy.  Not even the fact that it was labeled as “high risk.”   It wasn’t an easy pregnancy because I was terrified.

I knew, now, how many ways a pregnancy can go wrong.  Because when people open up to you about their miscarriages, suddenly there are additional stories of friends, of cousins, of coworkers that lost their baby at twenty weeks, twenty six weeks, thirty seven.  I now knew that my early term losses weren't as bad as it could be.

I made it through the first trimester by trying to forget that I was even pregnant.  Even after two good ultrasounds in a row (we’d never had two in a row with heartbeats), I felt no relief.  Into the second trimester, there was a long period of time when I would have no ultrasounds or even appointments for over a month.  How would I know what was going on in there?  How would I know my baby was still alive?  I bought a fetal Doppler to listen to the baby’s heartbeat and that got me through until I could feel him move.  Once I started feeling him, one would think that it would be easier but one would be incorrect.  Because babies go to sleep in there for long periods of time and after a few hours of no movement, I would have to poke him or drink a sweet, cold drink or as a last resort break out the old Doppler and listen to the heartbeat.  Even as late as the third trimester I would lie in bed waiting for movement before I’d get up in the morning, and think about how many times I’d felt him throughout the day.  I can honestly say that I never fully relaxed through my entire pregnancy.

Even when I went into labor, I wasn’t worry-free because of all of the complications that could possibly arise during the act of labor (also who relaxes while they’re in labor?  It freaking hurts).  I didn’t relax until the doctor said, “He’s out!” and I saw my little baby, the color of Eyore, with his ten toes splayed out like a startled cat, screaming his head off being lifted onto my chest.  Then I relaxed. 

Of course, then began a whole new world of worry… But that’s for another time.

ted's 30 day performance review

I recently conducted Teddy's 30 day performance review.  Overall he did very well.  I wanted to share some of his accomplishments with you.

EATING:  Exceeds Expectations
     From the first day Ted was a great eater.  He's worked his way up to 4 oz at a go and lasts about 3-4 hours between feedings.  If I had one criticism, it would be those cluster feedings - eating 2 oz every hour and a half just won't cut it.

SLEEPING:  Meets Expectations
     Aside from a few nights of 6-7 hours of sleep at a stretch, Ted has still needed one middle of the night feeding.  This is to be expected and he certainly shows that he has what it takes to eventually sleep through the night.

EXCRETORY:  Exceeds Expectations
     Ted can fill a diaper, while eating.  Not many of us can say that.  (Although, frankly, not many of us wear diapers).  He also manages to do it up to seven times a day!  That's certainly an achievement we can appreciate.

BURPING:  Meets Expectations
     While he can occasionally let out a belch that would make a grown man proud, it's not a regular enough occurrence to warrant an "Exceeds Expectations."

ATTITUDE:  Below Expectations
     The hour a day that awake Ted is content is great.  However, a large portion of the evening is spent in tears, for no discernible reason.   Now if we can stretch the happy time two or even three hours of happiness a day and decrease the crying time to under an hour, then we will be where we need to be.

MILESTONES:  Exceeds Expectations
     Ted has achieved awake smiles, first to Pooh Bear and then to me.  As I wasn't expecting this until at least 6 weeks, he exceeds expectations in this category.  He can also lift his head for up to twenty seconds at a time and turn it from side to side.

OVERALL:  Exceeds Expectations
     Ted is an excellent baby.  His cuteness is unparalleled, despite the cradle cap and baby acne.  He sleeps incredibly well at night and only wakes up to eat, which is appreciated by all of us.  He's gained almost three pounds in five weeks and over two inches in length.  Overall he has exceeded our expectations.

GOALS:
     Increase feeding amounts to 5 oz at a time with a minimum time between feedings of 5 hours.  Increase sleeping time to 7 hours nightly.  Decrease number two diapers to under 3 per day.  Master head control and increase neck strength.  Roll over.  Sit up unassisted.

rotten mood rant

Rotten mood!  I can't explain it except that Ted wanted to party at midnight last night and it took me an hour and a half to get him to go to sleep.  Then I couldn't fall asleep until I took half an Ambien, then I was groggy for the five o'clock feeding so Ed did it.  Then he decided to super-groom himself at 7 in the morning including, but not limited to- buzz head, shave face and neck, shower, etc. in the master bathroom.  Never mind that the fan was on high and the door was closed, I could hear everything and didn't go back to sleep until 8:30.  For an additional hour, which on top of my four and a half, isn't sufficient for me to be in a good mood!

My parents and sister are coming today and I'm excited about it and hope I can shake this rotten mood!  Rant over.

glimpse into an evening with a newborn (long run on paragraph)

Ok, so baby has been crying since 4 unless you hold him and hold the pacifier in his mouth since he can't seem to do it on his own.  Husband comes home at 6:30 and you eat dinner in shifts so one of you can feed the baby and one of you can eat and then you switch.  You think that eating will calm the baby but he obviously has different ideas and continues to cry so you burp him but he continues to cry so you change him but he continues to cry so you put him in the swing at medium-high speed and he quiets, calms, falls asleep!  For twelve minutes.  Then he starts to cry again.  So you burp him again, thinking maybe there's still one in there and he lets out a belch that would make a grown man with a beer belly swigging Bud from a can blush and then he starts to cry (if he ever really stopped).  So you lay him down and try holding the pacifier in his mouth like earlier, but he cries around the pacifier and doesn't ever close his mouth.  By this time it's 8 and time for husband's fantasy football draft and you know you can't count on him for at least an hour maybe two, so you keep trying everything you can think of.  Burp, change, pacifier, play time, swing, vibrating bouncy seat, pleading with baby to sleep.  By this time you think, he's been awake too long.  He's over tired and fighting it.  But what can you do about that?  So you hang on until draft is over even though you want to throw husband's laptop across the room because you know he enjoys this (the draft, not his wife pleading with the baby to sleep).  Also you know that the second the draft is over you will hand him the baby and go take a bath.  And when it finally ends this is exactly what you do.  You even, feeling very magnanimous, make a bottle and warm it for husband to give to baby before you hotfoot it into the tub, the sounds of baby cries getting fainter with each door you close.  You can't even hear it at all over the sound of the water!  Twenty minutes (maybe forty) later, you emerge feeling refreshed and able to hold a fussy baby, but what's this?  Husband backs quietly out of baby's room, a smug smile on his face, and silently shuts the baby's door.  He's asleep.  What the what?  You don't even care.  He's finally asleep.

happy birthday ed!

In honor of Ed's birthday today I wanted to dedicate a post to him.  My husband is the kind of person that gets teased a lot and generally takes it with a smile.  The teasing is always good-natured and I will admit that I partake in teasing him from time to time.  The thing is, Ed has a lot of quirks that make it easy to tease him.  Also the fact that he takes it in stride and doesn't get upset about it makes it fun for all.  But this post isn't meant to tease him.  I'm going to talk about his amazing qualities and not his quirks and foibles.

While I was pregnant Ed was very supportive and good about humoring me or helping me or whatever was called for.  The times I went to the ER and got admitted into the hospital for dehydration and vomiting were tough on both of us and I acknowledge that.  But since having Ted I've seen his true good nature shine.  He is great with the baby and helps out with everything from diapers to feeding to burping to comforting a crying baby.  He is a true partner in this uncertain adventure we've embarked on - parenthood.

Ed is almost always positive.  The rare times he gets down (and we're all entitled to them), throw me sometimes and I try to be supportive to him as he is to me when I'm down.  The truth is, I think he's more empathetic/sympathetic than I am.  He's great about trying to get me to talk to him if I seem blue for whatever reason.  It's getting easier for me to tell him.  (My usual M.O. is to keep everything inside until I start randomly crying hysterically for a seemingly small reason, but really it's about much more that I just can't articulate).  Ed is a good Christian with a strong moral fiber and sense of right and wrong.

In truth I couldn't have married a better person nor picked a better person to be the father of my children.  This is not to say that everything in our lives is perfect, but it's the sum of all the good and bad, funny and not so funny, trying and easy, that make our life together interesting.

the don'ts and don'ts of curing baby hiccups

Baby hiccups are a plague to both babies and parents.  They are adult sized hiccups that wrack their tiny little bodies for minutes at a time.  They keep babies and parents awake with their noisy squeaks.  Here are some don'ts to consider when trying to cure your baby's hiccups.

1.)  Don't leave your baby in a hallway and then jump out of a random door trying to scare your baby.  It's not a good idea.

2.)  Don't make your baby drink from bottle or breast upside down.  This will likely cause any and everything your baby ingests to come out his or her nose.

3.)  Don't put a packet of sugar under your baby's tongue.  Even if it does work to cure the hiccups, your baby would probably be awake for days after ingesting all that sugar.  It's not worth it.

4.)  Don't try to make your baby hold his or her breath.  This would likely confuse the baby and make them think you're trying to kill them.  You'll lose all the trust you've built up with your baby over the previous weeks or months.

5.)  Don't make your baby breathe into a paper bag.  This would also likely confuse the baby.

The best thing to do when your baby has the hiccups is to hold them, rub their back and wait them out.  They'll stop soon.

week 1.5

1.) sleep smiles are the best

This is the first day that Ed has gone back to work.  He wasn't looking forward to it and neither was I.  I was very nervous about staying home with Ted alone.  We're lucky he's so good right now.  He's hardly ever fussy and sleeps a ton.  I know this can't last forever, but I'm going to enjoy it while it does!

2.) look at those feet!

I'm scared to take him out by myself.  Ed and I took him to Target last week and he got a little fussy in the store, but we'd come prepared with a bottle and were able to quiet him.  He mostly just slept in his car seat and showed off his monkey toes.  (see pic 2, right)

We've been sharing the night duties pretty well, but now that Ed has gone back to work, I feel like I need to do more (or all of them), at least some nights so he can sleep.  So far I feel pretty well rested since we've been sharing.  Obviously not as well as if I was getting eight straight uninterrupted hours, but I've been able to piece together between five and seven hours a night (and part of the morning. Possibly also the afternoon).  We're incredibly lucky he's not a cat napper and most often sleeps for large chunks of time.

3.) neither one looks all that happy about this

 Bailey is still adjusting.  She vacillates between being completely indifferent to the baby, to being super interested.  She'll walk by the rock n' play and peek in to see if he's in there and sometimes lies with her head on the rocker portion of it.  Sunny just lies down wherever Sunny wants, never mind where Ted is.  I can't even talk about Poppy bird.  With all the stress of our new addition, her squawking is driving me crazy.  I can feel it in my teeth.  She spends most of her time outside or in the spare room, which I do feel bad about.


All in all the first week and a half has gone pretty well.  I'm not as stressed and freaked out as I thought I would be, plus I'm getting more sleep than I thought I would (which was none.  I thought I'd get none).

4.) rare awake time in the rock n' play

He's here!

A few days late, but Teddy arrived at 6:02pm on Wednesday, August 6th.  He was 21 inches long and 8 lbs 3 oz.  He was sort of a big boy!  He's perfect!  After 33 hours of labor, I only ended up pushing for about 20 minutes.  Once he decided it was time, he barreled out of there like he was on fire!  I also have to say that the epidural was the most amazing thing I've ever experienced.  After sixteen hours of contractions, it was a very welcomed procedure.

Ted had some glucose issues at first and almost had to go to the NICU.  I cried when they told me that.  It got down to 31 at one point which is really low.  We tried some high calorie formula which worked to keep his sugar out of the danger zone.  Then after that he had some bilirubin issues and subsequent jaundice.  We had appointments with the pediatrician on both Saturday and Sunday.  Sunday it started to go down, so we were in the clear and didn't have to have the lights.  A home nurse came and weighed him today and he is already back up to his birth weight!

Since we've been home he basically sleeps all the time, unless he's eating or during the dreaded diaper change. He does a lot of sleep smiling and likes sleeping on one of our chests.

Ed seems completely smitten, as am I.  The animals seem to be adjusting pretty well.  Both seemed completely confused about the whole situation at first.  (Bird not so much).  Sunny refuses to be ignored and will curl up on our lap or Ed's chest beside Teddy at any given opportunity.  Bailey seems resigned to her status as second favorite.  We're trying to give them plenty of attention so they don't feel resentful.

ok I'm 40 weeks... where is he?

This is how the past month or so has gone for me:

Week 36: Doc says, "If he comes now, that'll be fine!" I think, Yeah, but 37 weeks is term and mom's at the beach.  Better to wait.

Week 37: Ok, he can totally come now.  I'm fine with that!  Besides I'm having all these contractions, they should be doing something.

Week 38:  Hmm.  Ok, another week to cook, that's fine.  But seriously, any time now would be good!

  

Week 39:  This week for sure.  Doc says she thinks I should go before the due date anyway.  He'll be here soon!  

Week 40:  Overdue!  I'm going to start charging rent.  Get out, get out, get out! 

At least I know it'll be this week for sure...

ok baby, your room is all ready!

I finished the nursery today, insofar as I went through the last few boxes of lovely hand-me-downs and put away all the bigger boy clothes.  I organized some things and put away the freshly washed diapers.  I only need to hang a few things on the walls and his room will be ready!  Not that he'll be using it at first.  We're going to keep him in our room for a while.  I'm not sure how long though.

I had my 39 week doctor's appointment yesterday and saw the final doctor in the practice that I hadn't met.  She seemed alright.  She was friendly enough and knowledgeable, though she kept me waiting in the exam room for an hour and 20 minutes with no pants on, sweltering. There is only one doctor at my practice that I don't really care for.  I'm hoping she's not the one on call when I go into labor!  Everything is checking out ok and Ted's weighing in at 7 lbs 7 oz as of now.  I was relieved to hear that, even though I know they're not always incredibly accurate.

the crib set I ordered off amazon and took 3 months to get here!

I got a few more ultrasound pictures,which I'm not posting because as he gets bigger and more squished, the pictures get worse and worse.  His eyes are open in this one and with the 3D imaging they look like empty, vacant holes.  Creepy.  He does have very smushy cheeks though!

So the stage is set.  We're only waiting on the main character to arrive!

"He's gonna be a big boy!" :-/

a little late at 38 weeks

So here we are at 39 weeks!  Only one week until my due date and 1.5 weeks until they take him if he continues to be stubborn and won't come on his own.  (With the gestational diabetes they won't let me get to 41 or 42 weeks like people with normal pregnancies.)  I'd like to avoid an induction for the simple fact that there is a much higher chance of having a C-section at the end of it.  It would be ideal if he decided to come on his own.  Maybe tomorrow after my last day of work?  Are you listening, kid?

Yes, I am starting my leave a teeny bit early.  My doctor thinks I'll go before my due date which is any day now.  I also like the thought of having a concrete leave date instead of leaving it up in the air.  I have plenty of things to do before he comes, so having a few extra days or a week to do things will be nice.

I'm still having contractions - some that hurt and some that are just tight and uncomfortable, but not painful.  The problem is they never get regular, thus they never go anywhere.  I have an ultrasound on Tuesday, so we'll see how big he's gotten.  The prenatal nurse on the phone freaked me out a little this past week when I told her that he was 6.2 pounds at 35 weeks.  She goes, "Oh, he's gonna be a big boy!"  Hmmm.  Not very reassuring, I'd say.

if you don't want to hear me complain, for heaven's sake don't read this

This cute picture negates all my complaining.

As I'm sure all women who've been pregnant can tell you, the ninth month of pregnancy is no joke.  In fact, though everyone thinks that pregnancy lasts only nine months, they're in fact, wrong.  It's actually 40 weeks which if you go by the average 4 weeks per month, adds up to ten months.  If you're super lucky, you'll go over 40 weeks!  I'm not sure about this, but I think I've been pregnant for at least 15 months.  It could be as much as two years.  My baby may have the same gestational period of an elephant baby, which is about 669 days.  What I wouldn't give to be pregnant like a dog whose gestational period is 63 days.  Think about that.  Two months pregnant and BAM.  Baby.  Of course with a dog, it'd be babies, probably 12 or so.  I don't know about all that.

I still have so much to do and absolutely zero energy to do it.  I have two loads of laundry to wash and dry and an additional two to put away from last weekend.  I have to organize the baby's room with all the wonderful gifts we received from the baby showers.  I should take a stab at cleaning, but who am I kidding?

In addition to this, I just feel bad.  I know two weeks ago Ted was 6.2 pounds and with the average weight gain of 0.5 pounds per week, he should weigh in around 7 pounds at this point.  I'm not sure this is accurate.  He must be at least 25 pounds.  I can't bend over because his butt (I assume, since he's appropriately head down) presses into my ribs.  His head turns on my bladder.  He feels very heavy.  Also, I've been having Braxton Hicks contractions for a few weeks now - well for a long time, but in the past few weeks they hurt!  Every time they start I wonder if this time is it.  And every time it isn't.  I go to sleep with a heating pad stuffed into my pajama bottoms.

I'm sure none of this is news to women who've done this - for many, many lifetimes women have done this.  And multiple times each!  I'm also sure that being pregnant and dealing with older children must be an absolute treat because they can't be ignored until you feel like dealing with them like I can with cleaning the kitchen.

Also, I have to add in here that Eddie does help me and offer to help me a lot.  I'm not doing everything alone.  He has been very understanding of my physical discomfort and always asks, "What can I do?"  He also lined the mattress with an old shower curtain and some towels yesterday morning when I was timing contractions while lying in bed.  Protect the new mattress at all costs! 

That's my rant for now.  Stay tuned...

36 weeks and getting closer...

I don't have a whole lot to add since it's been less than a week (I think) since my last post.  I had a doctor visit today that went well.  I did have crazy cramps (Braxton Hicks contractions it ended up being) on Saturday night.  It went on for about 3 hours and I thought, this is it... but alas... it wasn't.  Our magical pasta salad seemed to cure me - I ate some for dinner and the cramping stopped.  I'll have to keep a supply of magic pasta salad until at least the end of this week when it will be ok for me to go into labor.  Not only will I be 37 weeks and term, (not FULL term, just term) but my mom will have returned from her vacation and I'll have had my last baby shower.  Then it will be ok.  Doc said today that, really, anytime is ok at this point, which is pretty cool. 

36 weeks

26 weeks

 Hmmm... when I put those side by side, I feel like I haven't grown that much.  At 26 weeks, Ted weighed 2.8 pounds.  At 35 weeks he was 6.2 pounds.  Where is he?

five more things

I will be 36 weeks on Saturday, and on Monday I went to the doctor for the first of my weekly appointments.  The baby weighs in at 6.2 pounds, which is a pretty healthy weight I think!  At first I thought that the weight was awesome, then I started thinking what if I go to 40 weeks and how much would he weigh then?  So I freaked out and asked the doctor if I was on track for a huge baby and she said no, no.  Maybe 7.5 or 8 pounds.  That's a relief... 

More observations/experiences have arisen:

1. I couldn't reach the floor today at work when I crushed something under my foot and wanted to see what it was.  I had to grunt in order to get down there and see that I crushed a nothing piece of plastic that looked like a noodle. 
2. Certain positions while lying down preclude breathing, so I have to choose between sleeping and breathing.  (Not that I do a lot of sleeping, what with all the bathroom visits - 4 between 12am and 6am)
3. I tried to squeeze into a closet at work and ended up scraping my belly on the door latch. 
4. I realized I actually can sleep on my side (I'm an always stomach sleeper), but it hurts my hips so much that I often end up on my back, which causes me to snore and wake up, where I then turn to my side, which makes my hips hurt...
5. The baby kicking me is never annoying and I think I am going to miss it when he's out in the world.

34 weeks

At 34 weeks there are a few things I've learned about pregnancy that I wouldn't have really considered before.

1. Aside from having to pee every nine minutes you also feel as though you have to go every single time you stand up.  And also sometimes while you're still sitting.  And also when the baby bladder-punches you.  And also don't ever sneeze without crossing your legs.  Or laugh.
2. Five pounds doesn't seem like much if you're lifting weights, but when you lift that weight constantly with only your uterus, it is very heavy!
3. If I don't feel the baby move for an hour I freak out a little and push and prod him until he wakes up and kicks me until I stop.
4. The videos we watch in baby class are horrifying.
5. The videos we watch in baby class make me cry and I don't know if it's an emotional response to a baby coming into the world or a physical response to the horror I'll be going through soon.
6. Sometimes my belly looks like the scene from Alien when the monster starts to come out of the guy's belly (without the gore).
7. Getting out of bed is more difficult than I would have ever imagined.

These are but a few of my observations over the past few weeks...  I'm sure I could come up with more.

mothers and fathers

In 2013 I was informed via the many forums I frequented, titled Trying to Conceive After a Loss (TCAL) or Trying to Get Pregnant (TTGP) and various others, that Mother's Day was something that I should feel some certain way about.  Honestly, that year, despite the two miscarriages I'd already had, the day didn't bother me so much.  I wasn't a mother.  I wanted to be, but I wasn't yet.  I had a mother and a mother-in-law and the day was mostly about them.  So I didn't really understand what all the fuss was about, people warning us to avoid Facebook that day for all the Mother's Day posts and calling people out for being insensitive to those who've experienced losses.  I guess I could see where they were coming from, but for me it was just another day.

This year some might argue that I am already a mother, I just haven't met my baby yet.  I didn't expect anyone to make any big deal about Mother's Day for me, but Ed did leave me a rose from our rosebush outside
 and a note from Ted saying, "Happy Mother's Day!"  It was nice and not too much.  Just right, really.

For Father's Day this year, I wanted to acknowledge Eddie in some way.  I spent some time making a card with an original drawing.  I am not an artist in any way, shape or form, but I came up with (after 4 tries) what I thought was an acceptable drawing.  Of course, when I showed it to someone at work and said, "I'm not very good at drawing," the guy I was talking to said, "No, you're not."  But whatever.  I thought Ed would appreciate the effort and that I didn't just ask my coworker, Lauren (who is an amazing artist) to do it for me!

32 weeks and counting down

I have at most, eight weeks left!  (I say at most confidently, because my ob says that she doesn't let gestational diabetes patients go over 40 weeks).  I'm feeling pretty good except for some heartburn that feels like my stomach is trying to carve a hole in my chest and exit through my sternum.  I also have some sciatic nerve pain that makes walking a challenge (more so than usual - I'm kind of clutzy anway).  But I'm not going to go on about how good I feel because I'm afraid that will trigger an episode and I swear I am not going back to the hospital unless it's to remove this baby!  (By force, if necessary).  Ted's doing pretty well as far as I can tell.  At 28 weeks he was right on schedule size-wise, so I hope he's still growing properly.  He moves a lot.  In fact today I was thinking that he'd been kind of quiet (we were in church, so I guess he's practicing) until Chris the pastor yelled suddenly and Ted started flailing around like he was startled.  It was pretty funny, actually.

I have been spared (if you can use that word) a worry-free pregnancy by all that came before this pregnancy as well as hearing about the trials of friends' reproductive experiences.  I can say that I am less worried than I was in the first and second trimester, but it definitely hasn't gone away.  I also can't relax completely and be 100% thrilled for my friends and acquaintances announcing their pregnancies.  A friend recently announced they were expecting and I was so excited for them, but there's always a voice at the back of my mind going, "I hope everything goes well.  I hope they don't have any problems."  I wish that I could be worry-free about my and others' pregnancies, but that isn't my reality.  If I am blessed with a second (or fifth if you're counting) pregnancy after Teddy, I know I will fret much of the time, and I guess that will be ok.  It will have to be.

i spoke too soon...

Apparently the "bestmester" might not exist after all.  No.  I refuse to believe that.  This will be the bestmester, I just had a little setback.  It could happen to anyone.  On Wednesday after work I started having severe cramping that wrapped around my back and I got a little worried.  I drank a glass of water, rested in my bed and after about an hour I called my doctor.  She thought I needed to be seen and, bless her, said she would wait for me after hours at the clinic so I didn't have to go to the hospital.  (Again.)  (Of course this may have been a result of the fact that she is usually so far behind in seeing patients that she doesn't leave the clinic for two hours after her last scheduled appointment.  But it was still kind of her). 

Dr. Fogleman checked my urine (positive for ketones indicating dehydration) and ran a fetal fibronectin (negative, meaning I should not have a baby within the next two weeks).  She checked my cervix for dilation (none, long and closed) and actually could feel the baby's head, which was pretty cool.  She thought that the cramping/contractions were caused by the dehydration and it should subside if I could get some water.  Yay!

So.  Back home I fixed a big glass of ice water and took a warm bath to help with the pain.  I didn't think I drank too fast, but the next thing I knew I was throwing up.  This was uncool because how would I ever get rehydrated if I kept throwing up?  Well, I couldn't and the vomiting didn't stop.  So can you guess what happened next?  Yep.  Back to Women's at midnight for some fluids and this time I was severely dehydrated so they admitted me again and I got two bags of fluid, some lovely Phenergan that made me sleepy and continued throwing up for 24 hours.  I consider Phenergan something in the Valium category because it never helps with the nausea I feel, but makes me very sleepy.  I was there until about 1pm on Thursday and didn't feel much better when they discharged me.  I did not want to leave but the doctor who saw me said that I wouldn't feel perfect and I should go home and sip fluids and try to eat small amounts of food. 

Back home again and I still felt horrible.  I took many baths because they are somehow soothing and comforting and I kept getting back in when I started to feel bad.  I took Reglan about 6:30, took another bath and magically at 7 I started feeling better.  I drank a Boost (the only "food" I'd had since 12:30 the day before) and felt so much better.

Today I'm weak and sore and very tired, but not nauseous.  Thank the Lord.  Sorry for the long, boring post, but you could have stopped reading at any time!

30 weeks

I'm officially 30 weeks pregnant (at least I was on Saturday).  I thought I would never make it this far!  This trimester has been the best so far (granted, I'm only a couple weeks into it).  I've gotten the nausea under control (finally), with the help of Reglan and Zantac (which I keep mispronouncing Xanax, garnering a fair share of odd looks - one from my doctor.  She was nearly positive she hadn't prescribed it!)  I've come to realize that I've been fairly "complainy" during this whole pregnancy thing.  I'm sure my coworkers want to shoot me on a daily basis.  I do apologize for my complaininess.  I couldn't wait to be pregnant and part of me feels like I should welcome every ache and discomfort simply because I wanted it so badly.  Well.  I honestly didn't know it would suck so much.  I am grateful that I have been able to experience it and look forward to the weeks to come (sort of.  Part of me wishes I could skip right ahead to the birth and the other part wants to skip that part too!)

I can't wait, however, to hold my baby.  It used to be that when I thought of babies, I thought of a cute seven month old "Gerber baby" with chubby cheeks and a delightful giggle.  I used to want to skip all the hard beginning stuff, straight to the Gerber stage.  Now when I picture holding Teddy I picture a tiny, scrunched up newborn, knees folded into his chest and cheek resting on my shoulder.  I can't wait to experience all the stages of his growth. 

I was able to go to my parents' house this past weekend for a visit.  I love going home and never seem to get to any more.  I realized while I was there that it was likely that the next time I visited I would have an almost four month old baby (this would be for Thanksgiving).  That's insane.  I can't wait!

Williamsburg

This is a little delayed since our Williamsburg "babymoon" (what a lame term), was two weeks ago, but better late than never.  I worked 10 out of 11 days following the trip, so... not my fault.  This will mostly be a photo dump.  We had a great time, though.  We stayed at a fairly cheap motel with free continental breakfast everyday.  We spent Saturday at Colonial Williamsburg and toured the governor's palace, ate at a colonial tavern called Josiah Chowning's (complete with strange colonial men playing old fashioned guitars and serenading us with Yankee Doodle), shopped in colonial shops and toured the blacksmith, magazine, courthouse and other sites that interested us.  On Sunday we attended Bruton Parish Church (established in 1674 with the current church being built in 1715).  I had a minor panic at the thought of attending because we witnessed the 9 am service leaving at 10:50 am.  I wasn't sure I could sit there for two hours on uncomfortable pews at seven months pregnant.  Luckily, our service was a scant hour and ten minutes and the 9 am service was actually a special service for the children (this seems counter-intuitive to me as I feel most children have shorter attention spans than me).  After church we headed to the Jamestown Settlement and learned about Pocahontas and John Smith, toured the boats and the recreated settlement.  Monday we went to Historic Jamestown where the actual settlement is being excavated by archaeologists and learned from one of them a little more about John Smith, Pocahontas and their crew.  Here are a few pics:

Governor's Palace

Ed and I in the garden at Governor's Palace

Colonial marching band?

Colonial tavern

Colonial hostess 

Self explanatory 

See the juxtaposition of the modern and the colonial?

Bruton Parish Church

Powhatan Village

Jamestown Settlement

Boats!

Pocahontas

Glass Blowers

contradictions

I'm in a really weird place right now, ever since seeing my baby's face on the 3D ultrasound.  On one hand I am so, so happy.  Of course, this could just be a hormonal pregnancy mood swing that is serendipitously on the upswing right now.  But I think it's more that now that I've seen Teddy's face I am so excited to actually meet him and hold his little feet and kiss his hands and cheeks.  I told him the other day after my ultrasound that now that I've seen him he absolutely has to come home with us.  There is no other option.  He can kick my ribs and punch my bladder as often as he wants to, but he has to come home.  On the other hand, however, I feel the realization that it isn't going to be as idyllic as I might like to imagine.  He will be a newborn baby, thrust into a world that he doesn't understand, having very little method of communication other than a wail.  As he is getting to know me, I'll be getting to know him, learning how to care for him, figuring out what he needs and wants, and hopefully be able to provide the things he needs and wants in a timely manner.  It's going to be hard.  I understand this and it makes me very nervous.  I know I'm not alone.  I have Ed and my mom and his mom and sister.  I have friends that have babies and both parties (the mothers and the babies) survived the first year.  It's a lot to think about and my brain is slightly overloaded.

Speaking to a friend today, she told me that yes.  It's hard.  It's really hard.  There will be moments when you think to yourself, "Man.  I don't think I was made for being a mother."  But apparently those thoughts cross a lot of new moms' minds from time to time and evidently it passes.  She also was quick to reassure that there is also plenty of good mixed in there that helps to outweigh the hard stuff.

It also helps to know that he's freaking cute.  My goodness. I might be biased, but that is a cute baby!  (And I don't normally think newborns are very cute - and I think a fetus tends to be even less cute than a newborn, though I have no proof of this).  Of course, he'll still come out all red faced and squinchy, so time will tell.

So baby!

You can see his widow's peak like Eddie!

What?  That's a real baby!  I couldn't believe the quality of the pictures (especially the top one).  He's so baby.  So baby.  Everything went really well at the doctor today.  Ted's right on track size-wise and there is the right amount of fluid and whatnot in there.  Apparently if his belly was really big and his head small, that would be a sign of poorly managed diabetes, but his measurements are totally great.  The doctor was really happy with my progress (another five pounds down), and Ted's progress.  She says that aside from the stupid things I've been facing (hiatal hernia, gestational beetus, shingles) I've had a really healthy pregnancy.

I'll be heading to the doctor every two weeks from here on out since I am in the third trimester.  I told my doctor that I'm hoping the third trimester will be the best-mester.  Full term is only nine weeks away and knowing that it will be scorching hot in mid-late July, let us all hope that I go early!  Otherwise, you won't see me outside.

I still can't get over those pictures!  I might frame the top one.  Although it does look like there is an adult-sized ghost hand under his chin in the top picture... weird.

28 weeks and why I never leave the bathroom

These days I feel like I spend more time in the bathroom than I do with my husband.  I've considered asking my supervisors at work if I could just build a lab bench in the handicapped stall in the bathroom at work.  We could set up a computer and a phone line and I could just read cultures from the comfort of the bathroom.  It would save a lot of time.  What I don't understand is that I will drink a big glass of water, finishing with it by 8:30 pm or so.  I will pee about four times between 9 and 11 and then go to sleep.  It never fails, however, that I will wake up at least three more times in the middle of the night and if I didn't know any better, I'd swear I was sleep-chugging water all night long.  Hopefully it's just water.

I try to sleep on my left side like the books tell you (something about blood flow to the baby).  I always start there but lately the baby has started flipper kicking my side like a tiny dolphin and something is telling me that he is uncomfortable when I lay like this.  It never fails that the assault starts as I am trying to go to sleep and then I end up rolling to my right to stop the tiny war inside me.  He's very sure of what he wants already. For instance, he likes me to have good posture.  If I slouch he will deliver a swift kick to my ribs to get me to sit up straight.  I may have a stubborn child on my hands.

I did yoga the other night and for an hour afterward he was practicing uterine baby yoga.  I think he liked it.

another lame catch up: 26 weeks, weight loss and Williamsburg

I'm not feeling very inspired to write lately, so I guess I will periodically update my blog with what is going on currently.  I am officially 26 weeks, which is pretty cool.  I have a fairly discernible bump under my maternity shirts which is also nice.  (Under scrubs and baggy shirts it just looks like I moved weight from my face and arms to my stomach) - oh, another side effect of vomiting all the time (a positive one) is that I lost twenty or so pounds.  It's hard to say exactly how much I lost since there's probably five pounds of uterus, fluid and baby added to my midsection.  It would be cool if I either stayed here or lost a teeny bit more before the baby is born, but that might be asking too much...  I'll probably end up breaking even, which wouldn't be the end of the world and as long as Ted's growing the way he should, my doctor is totally fine with weight loss.

At 26 weeks, according to my research, the baby has a 80-90% chance of survival if he was born now (with extreme medical intervention and a possibility of other issues that fully cooked babies wouldn't likely face).  I wouldn't want Teddy to be born now, but it's nice to know he's got a fighting chance!

This weekend Ed and I are going to Williamsburg, Virginia as a sort of "babymoon."  The books and forums say to take this vacation or mini-break before the baby comes and who are we to argue?  We'll visit Colonial Williamsburg and the Jamestown Settlement and we plan to look for a super old church to attend on Sunday then we'll head home on Monday.  I'm pretty excited about this - I've been once when I was about eight and Ed's never been at all.  I may as well have never been since all I remember about it are the glass blowers.  Historical vacations are lost on anyone under 18 (maybe lost on some people altogether).

That's pretty much what's going on right now...  I could tell you about the nine million baby outfits I got from the Pikes or the enormous amount of bird poop I sprayed off the bird cage this weekend, but do you guys really care?  I didn't think so...

catching up: goodbye sweet kitty, hernias, and more...

Our sweet Maddie cat was hit by a car a little over a week ago.  She was such a sweet, cuddly kitty who lived a very short but hopefully full life.  We miss her very much.  She was hit around 10 or 11 on a Saturday night and a man who knows the family found her, moved her to the side of the road so she wouldn't keep getting run over and took her collar so he could call us in the morning.  We buried her in the woods and I would like to plant something over her soon, in remembrance.  I knew it was a possibility that having and outdoor cat could result in this, but I honestly didn't think it would happen so soon.  We'll miss you sweet kitty.

In other news, it appears that I may have a hiatal hernia which is causing all of my nausea and vomiting over the past few weeks/months.  I was admitted to the hospital over the weekend for dehydration and vomiting and have a referral to a gastroenterologist for tomorrow.  I don't know what kind of confirmation tests they can do on me in my pregnant state, but we'll just have to see.

Teddy keeps wiggling, kicking and moving every day.  He's quite active.  He's the size of a cantaloupe and rapidly approaching a cauliflower!  I have an ultrasound scheduled for May 5th for a growth check.  I don't know what he's thought of all the vomiting I've done, especially over the past week, but I can only hope that being squeezed by my abdominal muscles repeatedly feels much like being hugged.  If so, he must feel very loved.