When the fine folks at Women's Hospital let me leave with this brand new, helpless newborn I couldn't help but think they'd lost their minds. I had no idea what to do with him. It seems to me that they should make you take a test (both written and practical) before they let you take your baby home. I wonder what that test would look like:
Part I: Written (Multiple Choice)
1.) Your baby is crying. You've already fed and burped him. What might you try next?
a. Change him.
b. He must be bored. Give him a Nintendo DS.
c. Make him some hot tea. Tea is soothing.
2.) What should you feed your newborn baby?
a. Breast milk or approved infant formula.
b. Surf and turf
c. They make baby food, right? I've seen it in jars.
3.) How many times a day should you feed your baby?
a. On demand.
b. Three square meals a day.
c. Every hour.
4.) How should you bring your newborn baby home?
a. In an approved infant car seat, mounted properly in car.
b. In your arms, so long as you wear your seat belt.
c. That's what a luggage rack is for, right?
5.) How should you entertain your newborn baby?
a. Sing songs, make faces, use age appropriate toys, etc.
b. Take him bowling.
c. If he's bored, give him a Nintendo DS.
Part II: Practical
Demonstrate in under five minutes how to change a meconium filled diaper. Points deducted for insufficient wiping, getting yourself peed on, and improper placement of the diaper.
If you answered mostly a's, congratulations! You're ready to bring your newborn baby home! If you answered mostly b's and c's, sorry. You cannot take your baby home. You may never be ready to have a child and they may come and take away your pets as well.