contradictions

I'm in a really weird place right now, ever since seeing my baby's face on the 3D ultrasound.  On one hand I am so, so happy.  Of course, this could just be a hormonal pregnancy mood swing that is serendipitously on the upswing right now.  But I think it's more that now that I've seen Teddy's face I am so excited to actually meet him and hold his little feet and kiss his hands and cheeks.  I told him the other day after my ultrasound that now that I've seen him he absolutely has to come home with us.  There is no other option.  He can kick my ribs and punch my bladder as often as he wants to, but he has to come home.  On the other hand, however, I feel the realization that it isn't going to be as idyllic as I might like to imagine.  He will be a newborn baby, thrust into a world that he doesn't understand, having very little method of communication other than a wail.  As he is getting to know me, I'll be getting to know him, learning how to care for him, figuring out what he needs and wants, and hopefully be able to provide the things he needs and wants in a timely manner.  It's going to be hard.  I understand this and it makes me very nervous.  I know I'm not alone.  I have Ed and my mom and his mom and sister.  I have friends that have babies and both parties (the mothers and the babies) survived the first year.  It's a lot to think about and my brain is slightly overloaded.

Speaking to a friend today, she told me that yes.  It's hard.  It's really hard.  There will be moments when you think to yourself, "Man.  I don't think I was made for being a mother."  But apparently those thoughts cross a lot of new moms' minds from time to time and evidently it passes.  She also was quick to reassure that there is also plenty of good mixed in there that helps to outweigh the hard stuff.

It also helps to know that he's freaking cute.  My goodness. I might be biased, but that is a cute baby!  (And I don't normally think newborns are very cute - and I think a fetus tends to be even less cute than a newborn, though I have no proof of this).  Of course, he'll still come out all red faced and squinchy, so time will tell.