Friday, November 1, 2013

five reasons that cats are awesome

     Cats are the absolute coolest.  From their aloofness and heightened sense of their own importance, to their magical ninja skills, they delight us, befriend us and then leave us wanting more whenever they deign.   These are some of the reasons that cats are amaze-balls. 

1.)  Cats can jump insanely high.

     Cats can jump anywhere from 5-7 times their own height.  If humans could jump 5-7 times their own height, they could jump an average of 30 feet in the air, which is about the height of a two story building.  Imagine the implications for the NBA alone.  They would have to raise the goals by more than 30 feet!  If the average human could jump 30 feet, basketball players could jump 35-40 feet.  Lets face it, they're already freaks.  This would just be further proof.

2.)  Cats get to sleep any time they want.

     I can't overstate how important sleep is to me.  I love to do it.  I love to think about doing it.  I'm jealous when my cats get to do it.  They can fall asleep anywhere, including but not limited to televisions, tables, flip flops, potted plants, and once, inside the washing machine.  (It was not on.)

3.)  Cats have hidden weapons.

     Cats have retractable knives on their feet.  I'm going to say this again.  Cats have retractable knives on their feet.  This is insane.  They can catch food, deter foes, and sink their foot-knives into your leg when they almost fall off your lap.  Think about the ramifications for the airline business.  Their foot-knives are not made of metal, so cats could fly with their weapons completely unmolested.  Think how many cat terrorists there would be.

4.)  Cats have very high self-esteem.

     Despite the fact that they depend on us for food and shelter, cats can really take us or leave us.  They mostly choose to leave us.  They tease us with their fluffiness, rub their whiskered countenance on our ankles and then flit away on a whim.  

5.)  Cats are magical or maybe ninjas and will always land on their feet if they fall.

    It's some kind of ninja magic, the way they always land on their feet.  You can drop a cat from six feet or six inches and they will twist their boneless frames around and land with all four knife-feet on the ground.  They must be master yogis in order to contort themselves in this way in the seconds it takes for gravity to accelerate their furry bodies to the ground.

So in summation, cats are conceited, narcoleptic, would-be terrorist ninjas with secret weapons who can jump ridiculously high.  They are probably going to take over the world.

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