i feel different...

I wrote less than two months ago about my miscarriages and how horrible they made me feel.  I felt defective, like a failure.  Despite the weightiness of the feelings engendered by them and the mere topic of miscarriage, I think that even at that time, I was healing.  I was able to write about it and not cry, and talk about it without being flip, which is my go to self-defense mechanism.  At one point after the second miscarriage, I made a comment to a coworker that I "just wanted to get pregnant again so I could go about the business of losing it."  The comment, even to myself later seemed unnecessarily callous and, yes, flip.

Now, two months and a lot of testing later, I feel different about the whole situation.  I realized lately that I no longer begrudge anyone's pregnancy.  I can talk about people being pregnant and talk about babies without feeling, well... jealous.  That's the only word to describe it.  Some women on the forums I've frequented will bristle at the word.  They insist that it is not jealousy, that the people who throw the word around (along with 'bitter') have no concept or understanding of what it is like to go through this, and things can get quite heated.  But if I am honest, the feelings I had during the past year did verge on jealousy and bitterness.  I defy anyone who goes through it to tell me they don't feel the same at times.  One thing I read on a forum that stuck with me is that the people having babies now are not taking any babies away from me.  It's true.  No matter how many pregnant ladies I see, none of them are taking my future babies away from me.

I have hope that we will have a child.  Hope had been fading for me, but it's returning.  I have faith that it will happen for us someday.  In the meantime, I'm learning a lot about patience.

I have other things going on right now that I'm dealing with.  I may find the courage to write about them sometime.  Until then I'm focusing on trying to be healthier overall, mind, body, and spirit.