Wednesday, January 29, 2014

am I?

I'm having a hard time believing that I am actually pregnant.  Aside from the nausea that almost never quits, there is no real indication that there is a human in there.  I know that, physically, the first trimester and the third trimester are the most difficult, but emotionally I think, for me, the second (or at least the beginning of the second) will be the most trying.

I found out I was pregnant (surprise!) at about four and a half weeks.  I wasn't expecting it and I certainly wasn't expecting it to last very long.  I pretty much tried to forget about it (as much as you can when you're throwing up twice a week and nauseous every single day) for the next five weeks or so.  Then  I got two positive ultrasounds in a row, with heartbeats and everything, and I started to wonder, tentatively, if this was the real deal.  I tried to keep it in check, though.  It wouldn't do to go around expecting things to be ok.  That's just not how this works.  For me.

With my half-deadened emotions during most of the first trimester, I made it through almost unscathed.  (There was that time I nearly threw up on the cat - she might not have emerged as unscathed as I.  That was two days ago.)  Then after the NT scan at twelve and a half weeks, I started thinking more positive thoughts, which I'm not sure I was ready for.  Now, entering the second trimester, I have weeks(!) before my next ultrasound or even the ability to hear the heartbeat via doppler.  How do I know what's going on in there?  I can't feel anything.  I can't see anything.  I can't hear anything (not that you can hear anything, but still).  So if a baby grows in your uterus and no one can see it, is it really there?


  1. I have the same fears. I know I will be more uncomfortable when I have a big belly, but at least that big belly and movement will let me know baby is in there moving and growing!