am I?

I'm having a hard time believing that I am actually pregnant.  Aside from the nausea that almost never quits, there is no real indication that there is a human in there.  I know that, physically, the first trimester and the third trimester are the most difficult, but emotionally I think, for me, the second (or at least the beginning of the second) will be the most trying.

I found out I was pregnant (surprise!) at about four and a half weeks.  I wasn't expecting it and I certainly wasn't expecting it to last very long.  I pretty much tried to forget about it (as much as you can when you're throwing up twice a week and nauseous every single day) for the next five weeks or so.  Then  I got two positive ultrasounds in a row, with heartbeats and everything, and I started to wonder, tentatively, if this was the real deal.  I tried to keep it in check, though.  It wouldn't do to go around expecting things to be ok.  That's just not how this works.  For me.

With my half-deadened emotions during most of the first trimester, I made it through almost unscathed.  (There was that time I nearly threw up on the cat - she might not have emerged as unscathed as I.  That was two days ago.)  Then after the NT scan at twelve and a half weeks, I started thinking more positive thoughts, which I'm not sure I was ready for.  Now, entering the second trimester, I have weeks(!) before my next ultrasound or even the ability to hear the heartbeat via doppler.  How do I know what's going on in there?  I can't feel anything.  I can't see anything.  I can't hear anything (not that you can hear anything, but still).  So if a baby grows in your uterus and no one can see it, is it really there?

a public apology and some news

This post is to serve two purposes.  In order to get to the formal apology, I must first start with the news.  I am pregnant!  I am nearly 13 weeks which is the furthest I've gotten in any pregnancy and we're pretty excited... cautiously excited.

Now to the apology.  I want to apologize to those people who told me to "stop trying and it will happen."  Apparently, they were on to something.  So brother-in-law, Tim and coworker, Zandy... I apologize.  Your advice was spot on.  In fact I could go one more and say if you want to conceive, you should actively try to prevent pregnancy except for one day, on day 30 of your cycle when you think you're safe and then find out that actually, your cycle was just kidding and it's not a cycle at all but just a random number of days between hemorrhages that your body picks like the powerball.  This month... 28!  We've seen that number four times this year!  Next month... 56!  That's a high one, only making an appearance once so far this year.

(The reason we were trying to prevent is because we were waiting to try the Clomid, which we clearly didn't need.)

I had my NT scan yesterday and everything was normal with that, which was a relief.  I was very stressed out about it.  I went in having drunk my 32oz of water beforehand and, with a bladder the size of Texas, allowed the ultrasound tech to push, wiggle, jam and slam my abdomen with the ultrasound wand.  We got quite a show from the little one - he/she was waving, opening and closing his/her hand and pushing off the wall of my uterus like some kind of uterine parkour athlete.*  It was very entertaining to watch and made the pain of the wicked ultrasound tech jabbing me like she was angry easier to handle.

Next is my 16 week appointment and then two weeks later the anatomy scan, which I'm super excited about.  I feel like I can maybe breathe a little easier, but until I'm actually holding a live, crying baby in my arms, I don't think I will ever fully relax.

I think (s)he has a secret because his/her hand is over his/her mouth.

*phrase first coined by Thomas G. 1/23/14

officially started to worry about getting old

Ok.  I did it.  I officially bought some anti-aging night cream.  I've flirted with a regular moisturizing routine over the years, but never had an actual lotioning habit or brand of lotion that I used.  In my teens and twenties I was a slave to Bath and Body Works, but really, that doesn't count, does it?  Because that lotion has so much fragrance and alcohol in it, you might as well be using nothing.  Or some weird product called anti-lotion that makes your skin drier.

In my teens I tanned (horrible), and it my twenties I just didn't care because I was never going to get old, so what did it matter?  To a twenty year old, age thirty is hard to contemplate, let alone forty, fifty, sixty.  Now, however, I am thirty-two.  I no longer have even a passing acquaintance with my twenties.  Now I feel like I need to start thinking about it.

Over Christmas this year I was in my parents' bathroom which is unsettlingly bright with angry yellow sunshine in the morning.  I looked at my face in the mirror and, while I didn't actually see wrinkles, per se, I saw where they will be forming soon.  I could see that my face looked parched and in desperate need of something.  Really, it was crying for help.

Tonight I bought some Oil of Olay anti-aging night cream that fights seven (SEVEN!) signs of aging.  I also bought some cleanser of the same line because I've inexplicably started breaking out on my forehead.  (How is it that my face is both parched and pimply and I'm not 15?)  I used the cream after my shower and all I can say about it is that it burns a little. Which must mean it works.  I'll keep you posted.